DadBod Kryptonite

I've never driven a forklift, but I imagine this is a below average day for a forklift operator:

Today is that kind of day for your DadBod.

In fact, today makes the carnage above look like a trip to Lake Michigan in early July for your DadBod.

That’s because today we are talking about how to exploit a fatal flaw that all DadBods share:

They develop due to inattention and we can therefore outsmart them/fuck up their program by building an accountability system.

A (very) small minority of people are able to consistently hold themselves accountable in all of the important areas of their lives. But even that group will eventually run out of steam and cut themselves some slack where it matters.  

No matter how good or bad you are at holding yourself accountable, you can improve by consciously building a system that strengthens your commitment to your goal. Here are 4 ways to do so, listed in ascending order of difficulty/effectiveness:

#1. Find an accountability partner:  A key component to an effective accountability system is our good old friend from high school: peer pressure. To exploit this to your benefit, track down another DadBod assassin or someone who is actively pursuing a meaningful goal.  Share your DadBod and your plan for eviscerating it. Meet/talk regularly about how things are going - ideally once per month but a minimum of once every three months.

Make sure it's a mutually beneficial relationship. You each need to be holding the other accountable for something otherwise one person is going to annoyed at the other's constant harping. 

#2. Go public: Announce your goal on facebook or the social media platform of your choosing. Proudly proclaim your DadBod to the world. One of its least favorite things is when you think about it or talk about it. Imagine how much it will lose its shit when it realizes many, many people are talking about it, including that girl from Speech class in 11th grade! 

Tell a few close friends who you trust enough to ask to be good-natured pains in the ass(es?) and not let you off the hook.

#3. Make failure painful: Pick an organization whose core mission you despise. Then write and sign a check for one week’s pay to the organization and give it to someone who agrees without exception to send it in by a specific date if you haven't met your goal and obliterated your DadBod.

If you can't swing a week's pay, do three days' worth. It's supposed to hurt but be nowhere near fatal. StickK is a website that has taken this concept to the next level by incorporating referees to determine if you are truly making progress and automating the payment penalties.

#4. Burn the boats: In an apocryphal story, when Cortés began his conquest of the Aztec empire in 1519, shortly after landing in Mexico he ordered his men to burn their boats, so they had no possible option to retreat. 

This is my favorite trick for stopping procrastination dead in its tracks and it doubles as a bad-ass accountability system. If there is a project at work that I notice I keep putting off, I’ve developed the habit of emailing my boss to ask if we can meet to review my progress in 2 or 3 days.

The goal is to give yourself no other choice but success. Speed is key here. Light the fuse before you have time to rationalize why you need to do more planning first or why the timeframe is too short.

Unsure if you can lose enough weight to fit into the same size bridesmaid dress as your last cousin's wedding? Order it today in that size. Feel like some of the spontaneity is missing from your relationship? Pick up your phone and text your significant other that you have a surprise for them. Not really sure how to drive a forklift? Fuck it, just hang a right. 

I may have gotten carried away on that last one, but you get the idea.

Accountability systems are your DadBod's kryptonite.