My (and Your) Best Teachers
Some people are good at moderation. I am not one of those people. Luckily, my tendency to go all-in has been mainly limited to reading obsessively about whatever topic caught my interest that year (or month) rather than sampling the buffet of destructive addictions available to us as humans in the 21st century. One of my longest running obsessions has been personal development books (I realize this is just a feeble attempt to rebrand “self-help” but be gentle with me).
A staple of the genre is the thought experiment/assignment. This is when the author assigns a task designed to help you reflect on your life or gain new insight into yourself. Some are impressively silly: Lay face down on the ground in a public place for 30 seconds. Others are sobering: Write the eulogy you would want delivered at your funeral. The best permanently change your perspective for the better.
Changing your perspective often comes with a steep price: the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the unexpected Friday afternoon meeting with your boss and HR. So when I find a thought experiment that unlocks a different way of thinking about the world and my place in it without the seemingly requisite trauma, I count myself lucky.
As my wife was driving our family from the Grand Canyon to Zion National Park, I was reading Soul in the Game by Vitaliy Katsenelson and he started listing qualities that he wanted to copy from his friends. It reminded me of the first notebook in Meditations by Marcus Aurelius where he lists what he has learned and hopes to emulate from 17 of his friends, family members, and mentors. I decided to try it. 90 minutes later after my list was complete, I felt compelled to do my best to encourage everyone I know, and hopefully some people I don’t, to do the same.
I can’t remember the last time I felt such a strong surge of gratitude and connection as I did while writing my list. If you take the time to do the same, I think you will recognize the incredible gift of having a treasure trove of teachers who you already trust and whose company you not only enjoy but prefer.
Here are a few tips to make this exercise most worth your time:
Oh hey teeny moon
Wait to make your list until you are in a particularly positive, generous mindset. In my case, I was lucky to stumble on it during a once in a lifetime family vacation while riding through an indescribably beautiful stretch of southern Utah so I didn’t need any help.
Nearly all strengths have embedded weaknesses when pushed too far or used in the wrong context but try to focus purely on the upside of these qualities.
Write at least two traits per person but don’t worry about short-changing someone who you feel should have more items than someone else. The list is an evolving document, and you will probably bounce back and forth from person to person.
Focus on attributes or parts of someone’s character rather than specific skills. More “I would love to be as _________ as Grace” and less “I wish I could moonwalk like___________”.
One bonus “do as I say, not as I do” tip: If the moment presents itself, consider sharing the part of your list that you wrote about someone with that person. I’m not nearly as good at sharing my appreciation for the people in my life as my friend Chip is, so I haven’t done this yet but I’m working up the courage.
Come to think of it, it would be great if I was as courageous as Angie and as adventurous as Kate. Maybe then I would have that palpable zest for life that is part of why I enjoy hanging out with James so much. If I could share that quality with my kids, it would be a prime example of how to be as engaged a father as Ben and how to thoughtfully dedicate time and energy to teaching them the most important life lessons like Terry. That would be a deeply meaningful goal, but I would need some of Justin’s seemingly endless patience and Sarah’s ability to consistently prioritize others’ needs ahead of her own. Max has been making those types of sacrifices for his kids for years so I suppose he could help me figure out how to be better at that?
Anyway, I digress.
Toward the end of our drive as my list felt complete I realized this exercise has the potential to be a personal development gateway drug for someone who has been reluctant to buy an embarrassing self-help book or listen to a podcast with “AMPLIFY!!!” in the title. By recognizing and documenting the noble pieces of our friends’ characters that we would be thrilled to adopt, we paint a clear picture of how we want to grow and we identify the best people to guide us along the path.